Yet again

While facilitating a workshop this morning, I suddenly had a shooting pain through my left eye. The pain subsided soon, then became a kind of dull, annoying ache that lasted through the day. Not terrible, just annoying. Not the kind of thing that would usually have carried me to the doctor, but this time instinct said "GO!", and so i did.

Good thing too, because this time i have not 1, not 2, but 3 broken stitches inside the eye! Fun times.

I'm amazed at instinct, though... at how the body just knows how to tell me when something is severely wrong as opposed to my random everyday pain. All three times that this has happened, the pain/ grittiness/ discomfort hasn't been much out of the ordinary, or much more than a regular day. But each time, i have just known that I need to see the doctor immediately. I still don't know how i have known, but i have. Instinct. It's amazing.

I'm a little exhausted from all this. It hasn't even been 3 months since the last surgery (tomorrow is three months to the day), and here I am going back into the OT. The memories of the last one are still too fresh, the pain too real... over time, the memory fades, and forgetfulness helps one be brave. But right now, the memroy is fresh, and I really don't want to go through that again!

Oh well, at least this time i can prepare for it. Download lots of auidobooks. Buy lots of snacks and cold foods (have i mentioned how, when i am sick, i can only eat cold food or i want to throw up?). Stock up on pain meds. Hand over the most urgent things at work. Finish important-to-finish-now writing. And then I'll go back into that sterilized room. Ugh, I've spent way too much time in OTs, the memories make me shudder.

So yeah, I'm ranting. But right now, at moments like these, I also have a vauge sense of pride. Just pride that I have made it this far. Sometimes I forget all the struggles to get through school, to get through college, to balance (not always successfully) a working life and taking care of all these chronic illnesses. Sometimes, I get caught up in little stresses, start doubting my life's capacity for limitless growth, limitless expansion. Then, something like this comes along and forces me to reflect, just for a moment, on everything I have fought and won over. Not immediately, perhaps, but eventually. And that brings me pride and comfort anf faith in the future, faith in my life's capacity to defeat obstacles and open up further.

In the newspaper this morning, there was a short essay by Sensei (don't ask me how it got there-- i have no clue-- but it was perfect for today). He wrote about a 19th centruy mountain climber who was trying to conquer a particular mountain (i'll dig up the details another time). He wrote about each expedition, about all the ones that failed, about the ones where the mountaineer was seriously injured, and then about the 8th one, when he finally conquered the mountain. He wrote about how, even if you fall down seven times, the important question is whether you get up the eighth. I guess that's my question to myself right now as well. Even if I fall down seven times, will I get up the eighth?

And the answer is yes, I will, I always have so far. Moments like this remind me of this simple fact. And although that cannot alter the fact that I have a very not-fun few weeks coming up, although it cannot prevent me from wishing i didn't have to deal with all that pain yet again, although it cannot really change anyting, it does remind me that this, too, has meaning.

And maybe that reminder sums up all the change I need right now.