Renaming and other ramblings

By the way, in case you are wondering at the new blog heading, I grew tired of "life beyond the hill"... i mean, this still is life beyond the hill, but one year onwards, i felt like it should be more than jsut that! This afternoon, i started reading Neruda's memoir, and this line on the first page jumped out at me. Yes, I thought, this is why I blog even amongst the maddest of times at work and oherwise. It's also why i daydream, which i do A LOT (sometimes, i think i do it too much). But he's right, these intervals of dreaming help me stand up and keep goign when the work is hard (and by work here i don't jsut mean office, i mean a lot of things that are just hard work). This blog is those "intervals of dreaming" so that seemed like the right name.

The rest of what I would write about today is a dilemma i face every time i write for a public space: what is appropriate to share? Usually, I would limit a blog space to external stuff... in my mind, the blog and the diary have very different spaces. But, as I mentioned some posts ago, i increasingly find this blog going personal because there are lot of external things i cannot comment on without going inwards. And I am ok with that, generally speaking.

But today i have spent a lot of time online reading people's writing on different fora, discussion groups, and blogs. Basically, I have been trying to research patients' perspectives on some new treatment my doctor wants to put me through, because i am not yet convinced she knows what she is doing (if you don't know me and my medical history that well, you'll wonder at this attitude of mine. But i have seen way too many doctors mess up and mess me up as a result... so now i double and triple check every treatment and medication through support groups for the two major diseases i have. And say what you like, patients know WAY more than doctors do!). Anyhow, as i read all this stuff out there, i was incredibly grateful to the people who put that information out there, a lot of it very personal. I was looking at the blog of one particular woman who seems to have started that blog solely to document the effects of a particular treatment she was undergoing for that disease... it's updated regularly after every session of her treatment, and it even has photos. On one hand, i was so grateful because she had the exact information (and lots of very valuable advice) that i had been looking for. On the other hand, I felt a little squeamish... I don't think i would ever put such a detailed and personal report of my illness up on a blog. I don't know why, it just seems inappropriate. Maybe it depends on the particular blog and who your audience is... i know that most of that info is meaningless to all of you who read this blog, but maybe i would be more comfortable putting it up on a support group where i know my readers are interested in knowing how things are and what will help (come to think of it, i think i did post something like that on the support group once-- Chris, you might remember. But later I was so embarrassed and really, really wished i hadn't. Especially not if nayone i knew was going to read it). Why? Don't know. Maybe there's still some shame associated with the disease, maybe i, just I, struggle with the private-public line, maybe i should stop wondering and go do something more productive with my time.

OK, me likes that last idea. Good night!